


Always remember that

by crazystranger



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Cause you can never get enough angst, M/M, also she made them the moon and the stars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:08:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26234644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazystranger/pseuds/crazystranger
Summary: “I hate myself, Siri”“I can love you enough for the both of us, Re. I’ll help you through the guilt and the hate. Please baby, just talk to me about it.”“I don’t need the help. I know how to live through that. I just want the pain to stop. It’s too much to bear,” Remus’s voice cracked in the end. This opened the dam of tears Sirius was holding in.
Relationships: Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 13





	Always remember that

**Author's Note:**

> Let me just put it out there.  
> This is my first fic ever.  
> I have read so much Wolfstar that I decided to write some of my own.  
> Also I horrendously suck at titles.
> 
> I wrote this as an au where both of them survive the war but they have been through too much so they decide to live in a seclusion while battling their demons.
> 
> I hope you like it!!

Somewhere in a secluded part of London, surrounded by tall oak trees, sits a man in his early thirties, outside his cottage broken and dejected. Scars decorate his lean body as tired amber eyes search the cloudless sky. The stars flicker as if to say ‘Follow us, we’ll give you what you want.’ 

“Have you ever?” Remus screams at the stars, every word laced with frustration. Tears prick his eyes. His uneven breathing harmonizes with the music of the night creating a naked symphony. 

Blanketed by a soft and warm cocoon of darkness, Remus lets himself relive the mot catastrophic night of his life. The events play in his head on an infinite loop.

The full moon. The transformation into a werewolf. Bones cracking. The cries of pain. Howling. Sirius turning into the familiar black dog. A stranger stumbling upon them. The overpowering wolf instincts. The urge to kill. Running towards the stranger. Being thrown off track. Claws sinking into flesh. Bright red blood on a dark canvas of fur. The dog hurting, bleeding, whimpering. Howling again. Numbing pain. 

All Remus could think about after transforming back was how close he’d come to murdering a human being. How he’d severely hurt his Siri. His greatest fear had finally come true. Remus hurt the man he’d come to call a lover. Sirius was his everything and he’d hurt him. How could he ever forgive himself?  
“You’re a monster,” Remus keeps telling himself, “a killer.”

After seeing the damage he’d done to Sirius, Remus’s mind goes back to the one thing he’d always thought about but never took any action on.  
But first things first, he had to take Siri back to his cottage and tend to his wounds. Deep claw marks ran through his stomach, blood oozing creating a pool beneath him. Sirius’s breathing; fast and shallow. 

With shaky legs Remus got up and half lifted, half dragged Sirius to their cottage. Barely any strength left, Remus cleaned the wound as much as he could and covered it. 

\-------------------------------------------------

The first thing Sirius noticed upon opening his eyes was the overflowing number of books. After blinking a couple of times his surroundings slowly became unclouded. The familiarity of the neatly organized bookshelf tucked in the corner soothed his racing heart. With great difficulty Sirius sat up. A sharp pain shot up his stomach as he grunted loudly. His head was throbbing loudly and his mouth tasted of sandpaper.

The headboard supported the weight of his head as he looked about the cottage trying to take everything in. Books were strewn across the couch and the armchair, and some had found their way into the kitchen. Well, you could hardly call it a kitchen, it just had a sink and a stove beside it, and a few cabinets. The place smelled of old books with few fresh ones in the mix. Sirius inhaled deeply, the faint aroma of chocolate wafting through his nose. That was his favourite part because it always meant that the bottom shelf in the left cabinet above the sink was stacked with all kinds of chocolate. He looked beside the bed only the find another stack of books. Seeing this Sirius chuckled lightly only to stop as his stomach started hurting more. He looked outside the window, beside the bed. The sun was setting, casting a deep orange glow. It reminded Sirius of Remus’s eyes, the way amber turned into deep orange, so drastically it threw most people off. Looking about the familiar cottage once more Sirius closed his eyes. He felt at peace and all his troubles seems to vanish for a moment as he basked in the solitude and tranquility of the cottage. 

The next time Sirius opened his eyes it was early morning. A cool breeze came in through the window. Sirius quickly pulled up his blanket and sunk further into the bed. Slowly the events of the night of the full moon trickled into mind. As soon as it became clear what had took place he jerked up. Ignoring the pain in his stomach he stood up and started to walk towards the door of the cottage.

“Remus,” came a hoarse shout from Sirius. He cleared his throat and called out to Remus again. No response. Sirius feared the worst. 

He opened the cottage door and inspected the ground as much as he could. He couldn’t see any fresh footsteps. Sirius rushed about the cottage trying to find anything that could tell him where Remus was. Between his frantic searching a lone piece of paper fell on the floor. Sirius rushed to pick it up. On it, in Remus’s neat calligraphy were written two words. 

‘I’m sorry.’

That told Sirius all he needed to know. He crashed on the armchair, not bothering to push aside the books on it.  
Sirius knew Remus. He knew that the sorry wasn’t just for hurting him on the full moon. It was for leaving him. Leaving him to go search for a cure. A cure to the disease Remus despised so much; being a werewolf. Sirius had always known that it was a dead end, that there was no cure. He’d even convinced Remus to stop searching for it once, when they were teenagers. But he’d only convinced Remus to stop searching, he’d hadn’t convinced him that there wasn’t a cure. It was enough then. Sirius was always there, to stop Remus from running off. But this time, Sirius had gotten hurt. And he knew Remus was gone. He’d run away not just to find a cure, but to get away from Sirius, a constant reminder of the monster he was. To get away from the crushing guilt of hurting the one person who’d shown him what it was like to love and to be loved.

Sirius understood but didn’t understand. He was hurt even though he knew something like this would happen if worst ever came to worst.

“Remus.” Sirius whispered with longing knowing he wasn’t going to get a response.

\-------------------------------------------------

Remus carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. He couldn’t go back to his cottage. He didn’t have the strength to face Sirius. 

Sirius was the first person who had truly accepted him. He’d accepted the awkward teenager Remus was, the wolf and his homosexuality. He always understood Remus and was always there for him. Just like Remus was always there for Siri when he was disowned by his royal family. They stuck with each other through thick and thin. They had their first drink together, smoked their first cigarette together, and even had their first kiss with each other, though that was the result of a dare. They were each other’s best friends and were all that they needed in the cruel world they lived in. A world plagued with war and famine. A world filled with supernatural hidden in every corner. And a world in which people were shamed due to the religion they followed, due to the way they looked and due to who they choose to love. 

Remus and Sirius were just two figures who decided to go away from the place where they weren’t accepted and build a little world of their own.  
But now that world was shattered. They were found by the stranger and evil had crept into their world. 

\-------------------------------------------------

Sirius was almost healed. But his heart still ached. It had been almost 15 days since he’d last seen Remus. His body yearned for Remus’s feather touches and he wanted to run his rough hands through Remus’s messy hair. He somehow knew he would be seeing Remus soon and he was always on high alert. 

The changes in the apartment were subtle. But Sirius soon caught up. It were the little things. The change in the position of the books that were across the couch. This was an easy one as Sirius hardly ever touched those books. Then the chocolate started to disappear at an alarming rate. Remus’s clean sweaters started being replaced by dirty ones. That was when Sirius knew for certain that Remus was visiting the cottage at night. 

And so, Sirius stayed up that night and the night after and the night after that but there were still no signs of Remus. Sirius started questioning himself. Did he just imagine all those changes? Was he finally going mad?  
But Sirius had nothing to lose so he stayed up on the fourth night too.  
Just as he was about to doze off he heard a faint shout. 

“Have you ever?” 

Sirius was up in a moment and running through the cottage door, towards the shout. He stopped as quickly as he’d started running. There was a man sitting on a cluster of rocks just in front of him crying. 

“Remus?” Sirius breathed loudly.

“Siri.” Remus voice was so soft Sirius barely heard the cry for help. Hearing that nickname warmed Sirius’s heart. Only Remus ever called him that. 

Sirius inhaled deeply and walked over to Remus. Remus was here. He was here in flesh and blood in front of Sirius.  
Sirius sat next to Remus and hugged him fiercely. After a moment Remus’s arms wrapped around Siri so tightly, he could hardly breathe. But Siri didn’t mind, he was finally in Remus’s arms. They sat like that in silence for a long time, a thousand words spoken between them. 

“So the cure huh?” Siri was the first to break the silence. 

Remus just shrugged. 

“There is no cure, moonbeam.” As soon as he said that he saw the anger rise in Remus’s eyes, the colour changing from amber to the deep sunset orange. 

“You don’t know that!” Remus accused in a low pitch, angry tears falling.

“But I do.”

As soon as those words left Siri, Remus crumbled. He fell into Sirius’s arms sobbing and cursing. 

Through the tears Remus asked the question Siri knew would come his way, “Why are you still here? Why aren’t you running for the hills?”

“It’s simple really. Because I love you. I always have and always Siri. Because I love you for you. Because the wolf doesn’t define you. Because you light up like a child on Christmas when you see chocolate. Because you fold your socks, -” Remus chuckled at that “- honey. Because you are beautiful. You are an artwork made of scars .Because you are my moonbeam and not the monster you make yourself out to be.”

“I hate myself, Siri”

“I can love you enough for the both of us, Re. I’ll help you through the guilt and the hate. Please baby, just talk to me about it.”

“I don’t need the help. I know how to live through that. I just want the pain to stop. It’s too much to bear,” Remus’s voice cracked in the end. This opened the dam of tears Sirius was holding in. 

“Don’t bottle it in. It’ll only make it worse.” At that an ear-piercing scream erupted from Remus.

“Let it all go sweetie. I’m right here. I’ll always be here.”

Remus continued screaming until his voice was hoarse and he was out of breath.

“I have to go and try Siri, you know that right?”

“I do know and I do understand. But I’m tired of the loneliness, Re.”

“I’ll come back. Always. You know I do.”

“Not for long though. I can’t bear that.”

“Okay.”

Remus gently took Sirius’s face in his hands. Their foreheads touching, breathing the same air. They both sighed in content. They were finally home, back in each other’s arms. Sirius softly kissed Remus, as though he was a fragile doll that might break upon the slightest pressure. Both of their eyes interlocked, just soaking in the moment. 

A hoarse whisper, “Kiss me. Please.”

And then Sirius’s hands are in Remus’s hair. Both of them kissing passionately as though their lives depend on it. They are each other’s oxygen supply. Both of them holding on tightly, not wanting to let the other go. 

A thousand words exchanged in those few moments.

They stop kissing but still have a death grip on each other. Foreheads still touching they release their arms, very slowly.

Remus gently kisses Siri again. Both have their eyes closed just feeling each other’s presence. 

When Siri finally opens his eyes, Remus is gone. No trace left behind, just vanishing into thin air.

Before vanishing, Remus whispered, just barely. But it shook Sirius.

“I love you Sirius. Always remember that. ”


End file.
